Tuesday, March 30, 2010

of old friends and new...

over the last couple of weeks i met two friends i haven't seen in over six years, found a new friendship that I hope will last as long... and the long conversations just reminded me why exactly we need friends - over and above all other relationships in life...

this is for my friends - the ones i found, those who are still around and those who have moved on... my life would not be the same without you

Won't mention names since those that the posts relate to will understand

Love, hate and something in between

The whole episode of looking back at friendship started when you asked me the question - why are you thinking about me?

and think of this as my answer ...

You know as well as me that it is indeed rare for two people to mutually 'affect' each other as we have done in the last six months. Never ever has anyone managed to get so quickly under my skin and make me feel angry at the sight of them. And never ever have I given so much importance to a person who obviously had low regard for me...

Today someone told me if they had known earlier they would have made sure we didn't have to suffer each other and one of us could have left after 3 months. And then I wondered why I did not choose the exit option, what made me stay?

I guess there was a part of me that did not want you to hate me... I was sure someday you would realize i was not all evil. I guess there are higher powers that intended for this to be resolved the way it was.

Honestly, I did not expect to confide in you this much .. and more importantly that you would listen. i dont know how to express my gratitude for as you know... dosti mein no sorry, no thank you...

As for the girl you are (not) looking for... I am sure she's out there somewhere.. And when you find her.. i hope she will see in you what I do ...

Just want you to remember this: no matter where life takes us and if you live up to your promise of meeting me in mumbai or not ... we will always have kaziranga

Que Sera Sera

Whatever I write cannot express more than what you wrote. i hope you don't mind me quoting.

"I really felt at peace and was happy for myself and for the first time in a long time i actually was not doing something to please somebody else... thank you for understanding me. Yesterday was a day which finally made my day go so quickly i wished that one day had more than 24 hours."

To me you define what a friend is.. someone who expects nothing more than for you to be yourself... someone with whom time just passes by...

Although we haven't really "been there" for each other much in the last few years, i know if i really need you - you will always be by my side.

What could have been didn't happen... for as my favorite poet says

"You do not wish, nor I
To risk again
This savoured light for noon’s
High joy or pain."

That my friend, to me, is closure.


A walk in the park


You haven't really been in touch with someone for 7 years, but
it only takes 5 minutes after you meet for the conversation to flow, the rapport to come back and the discussion to veer from life, love, career to just plain gossip and dream ventures. That's what they call a friend...

When you are willing to let go of e-mails that had to be sent, calls that needed to be made and all other such 'deliverables'... to take a ride across town in horrible traffic ... because it wasn't even a choice.. you know you've run into what they call a friend.

I don't know if you know.. but it wasn't just time and distance that separated us... there were some things I held against you. But seeing you again made me drop them all. and i promise this time I will stay in touch. It was truly great meeting you again.

Emptiness and belonging

Finding new friends and rediscovering old ones only made me think of how much i missed you even more. For there are a few people in life who are truly irreplaceable. Tried calling you but as usual it was voice mail. To your credit you always warned me this would happen. I've been trying for 10 years (thats a whole decade dammit!) - but I could never be as much as a friend for you as you were to me...

Yet you'll always be my best friend... and even you must admit - you'd never mean as much to anyone else


Although I have only mentioned recent musings above... fact is that i have never given enough credit to the ones who've always been there. I know i should mention so many more of you, but for tonight there are only 3 that I really want to toast .

So here's to -

the one who never forgets to call back and watches every crappy bollywood flick with me

the one who always inspires me to keep looking for my heaven, as she rediscovers the poetry in her life

the one who i can chat to about the incredible, the obscure and mundane with equal comfort and despite our limited interaction is my intellectual soulmate and potentially favorite travel companion (we have to make it happen someday)

And to the ones I have failed to keep in touch with - it is indeed my loss.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Long time, no blog

But I have been reading a lot – through my random walks through blogo-sphere.

Ankur’s post prompted me to respond – what else can egg on a b-school student more than borrowed CP!

Well Ankur, I more or less agree with what you say (except that I don’t quite mind Kingfisher food – and obviously don’t have the same motives for catching an aisle seat!) – although I would like to add that you missed a few. Since I really have flown more airlines, so here’s my contribution to your list:

1. Air Sahara/Jetlite – My memories of the airline go back to before the famous merger. Experienced mostly on early morn flights from Delhi to Cal (first flight to depart from Delhi airport 5:05 am) on sem breaks from Pilani.

Best– looking stewards ever!!! It got really bad toward the end with cancelled flights, awry schedules and what not – but that was mainly due to the uncertainty about its future. But it did have a distinctive style and was very Indian (as in the country – not the airline!). Sad to see it lose its identity – especially since Jetlite is a definite downgrade from a full-service airline that it used to be.

2. Go Air - Now given that Ness Wadia has otherwise good taste in life (Case in point: Preity Zinta), I really want to know who picked the uniforms for this airline. Not only are they in different colors – they are different fluroscent colors!!! Not to mention really down-market looking black fishnet stockings – eeks!

Also the service is pathetic – the call center is dumber than average (average call center IQ is about 4 I guess). And never ever cancel a flight coz the whole ticket redemption thing is way too complicated!

Plus I took a midnight flight that departs at 00:40. I reached the airport at 23:00 (since I was alone and didn’t want to travel too late) and asked if the flight was on time. The guy at the counter replied- “It’s been on time the last two days – we’ve never done three days in a row – so I don’t think so!” Now that’s an organization with some issues!

3. Paramount: unfair advatage over Ankur– since paramount only flies South India – I doubt he’s ever been on it! But it’s by far the best idea ever. Embraer planes have awesome legspace – and an all-business class flight at those rates is just unbelievable!!! My uncle who flies across South India (Chennai, Bangalore, Hyderabad, Coimbatore, Cochin) regularly completely swears by it. Dunno how profitable it is though…

And ya, if anyone has any experience of flying Jagson or MDLR please add to the list!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

July Rains...

I am writing this as a result of my urge to do anything but study for Term 2 exams … on the other hand I am also writing this as it might not rain tomorrow and I might not feel again what I felt today.

July rains are special. Why else would I (just recovering from a bout of viral fever) venture out at almost midnight, two days before my end-terms, with a borrowed umbrella? Was it just to hear the sound of thunder, smell the fragrance of the wet earth, dip my feet in puddles of rainwater, or feel the cool breeze in my hair? No, those would be true for any rainy day.

In fact April rains are better for that. Kalboishakhi we used to call them as kids in Calcutta. They brought respite in the humid summertime. And the early monsoon rains, in June in Kerala, where the constant cloud cover turns day into night – and we sat indoors waiting for it to stop so we could go out and float our paper boats. There are the rains I don’t like so much as well… winter drizzles in Pilani at near-zero temperatures adding to an already depressing environment. But July rains are different –

During my days at school, like every other Calcutta child, July rains meant an opportunity for a ‘Rainy Day’ holiday… when the school bus wouldn’t come and we could stay home and play. Or when the bus would break down on the way back from school and we would wade, holding hands, (two by two – the teacher would shout) in what was then waist-deep water for us. July Rains were fun. But those memories are now more reminded than remembered. They were taken away sight by sight, sound by sound, smell by smell.

Until all I could relate July Rains was to Waiting, Parting, Losing and You…

Today I sought your voice in the silent, melancholic drone of the raindrops. I looked for your touch in the wind that chilled my limbs. Today I wanted to dissolve again like I did the first day we kissed in the rains – shivering with cold, burning with excitement – not wanting to lose even a single moment of the little time we had together. Today I wanted to cling to you like I did when we walked back in the rain the evening before I left - little did I know the journey would take you away from me forever. Today I wanted to despair like I did when we realised what I had lost and what we could have had, if only you had asked me to stay.

Instead I walked alone. And then I called you and we spoke of our lives and TV programmes. And you reminded me that July rains will come and go and bring their remembrances – but what could not be was not meant to be – because if it had been we would not have had what makes us happiest today. Thank you for giving July rains a whole new meaning.

July rains are special. They mean life goes on…

Friday, May 04, 2007

Becoz I cudnt think of any other way...

Thats why I am making this post...

I have zero communication skills...

No one can understand what I am about...

And even fewer people really care to find out...

Some attempt to inform me that I am screwed up (as if I didnt already know) and that I have a huge ego - ha ha ha!!!!

Someday they will all know... that there'something that lies beyond the surface... and when they know that they'll understand...

May the peace be with them

Monday, December 25, 2006

Winter blues

I am missing winter. In Chennai, Christmas is just another hot, sunny day. I want nothing more than to snuggle in a razai while the sun fights to emerge from the dense fog. I want to bask in the Sky sun in the couple of afternoon hours when you can offload the layers of woollens to make a comfortable pillow. I want to warm my frozen fingers by feeling the warmth of a tall glass tumbler that has hot, frothy coffee, topped with a sprinkling of cocoa.I am missing winter – because I want to sleep – and have no reason to wake up.

Monday, July 10, 2006

The difference between loving someone and being in love with them

Love, in general, is an oft used, oft abused word. I believe it was originally used to describe the bond one shared with family or god. But nowadays its used quite loosely- like "I love Tom Cruise", or " I love that car " ... hence it has become imperative that certain prefixes or suffixes be added to the word in order to convey its exact usage.

Romantic love- which is the most commonly used application of the word and contrary to popular belief , it is where it has a number of meanings. The difference we are referring to is not merely a measure of the depth of one’s feelings - it is on the other hand, a precise definition of what the feeling actually IS .........

When u love some1 u [or at least I] want to make them happy at any cost and keep them that way......... when u love some1 u direct all ur efforts to make their dreams come true.
When u love some1 u don’t care about what ur relationship with the person is, as long as u can love them. Love is pretty unselfish in this form and expects nothing in return...when u love some1 the only pleasure u derive is in giving.

When, on the other hand, u are in love with some1 they become ur ultimate ambition. The feeling in this case must necessarily be mutual- it is an explosive drive that leads to destruction- but sweet destruction. ur actions then serve no purpose but to further that desire , and there is no rationality governing them. The world starts and ends in ur relationship... when u are in love with some1 the "WE" is more imp than the "I". when u are in love with some1 u don’t need to contemplate as to what is good, bad or ugly.......
u are no longer in control of what u give or take... it just happens..

In conclusion- loving some1 is voluntary service- but being in love with some1 is involuntary surrender


Another mail I wrote to someone a long long time back. At 19 I had the whole world figured out..now I am not so sure

Memories - old and new

it was but yesterday we met in dream.
you have sung to me of your aloneness and i
of your longings have built a tower in the sky
but now our sleep has fled and our dreams
over,and it is no longer dawn.
the noon tide is upon us and our half waking
has turned to fuller day,and we must part
if in the twillight of memory we should meet
once more we shall speak again toghether and you
shall sing to me a deeper song
and if our hands should meet in another dream
we shall build another tower in the sky


Dunno why I am posting this... came across it while going through some old mails..

Lines quoted by someone else, in some other time and some other context, hold a dif meaning today.. yet what stays the same is tingling sensation inside

Saturday, May 06, 2006

stop press!

among the humdrum of work, i need to take a break to express my deep sorrow on the loss of Naushad.

As a tribute, here's a link to my favorite song. Do check it out.